This won’t be for everyone, but for those of you out there who get a sense of accomplishment from ticking off a ‘to do’ list or writing in a diary, this dilating tip might be up your street.
My own experience of dilating, certainly during the early stages, was very much hit and miss. I remember feeling frustrated and impatient: why did it work so well last time, yet now I just can’t relax my muscles? How come last month I was able to use the third dilator, and now I feel like I’m back to square one? I had to remind myself that vaginismus is a psychosomatic condition and therefore, by nature, is fairly complex. Treating it is certainly not a linear process. So, whilst I learnt to be more patient with myself, I also wanted to optimise my chances of success when dilating – and keeping a dilation diary definitely helped me in this way.
I’d jot down my thoughts in my diary immediately after dilating to ensure that it was in the moment. This might sound burdensome, but it really only took a couple of minutes of reflection and it helped me to identify patterns and, in turn, establish the key ingredients to a more positive and successful experience. If you fancy giving this a try, my advice would be to think about documenting some of the following:
Your location (not just ‘at home’ but wherever you were specifically, plus whether you were sitting/lying/standing etc.)
What your environment was like (for e.g. was there music, distractions, candles?)
What time of day it was
How you were feeling emotionally
What it was that made you want to dilate (i.e. your motivation)
What the outcome was – plus how you felt afterwards
Keeping a dilation diary also allowed me to feel a sense of control: I wasn’t just giving myself to a process, but I was showing it genuine thought and consideration. I was owning it. Also, keeping track of when I dilated meant that I personally felt more confident as the numbers increased: yes, dilating can often be a case of two steps forwards, six steps back but, overall, I was heading in the right direction.
Over to Kate…
A dilation diary is a similar approach to some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy exercises, some of which are integrated into psychosexual therapy programmes like using dilators for vaginismus or treating erectile dysfunction. It can offer you a helpful frame of reference particularly when you are struggling and need to look back to remember how far you have come.
It’s important to recognise that progress isn’t linear, and frustratingly what was possible one week may not feel as easy the next; and using dilators can feel not just like baby steps, but sometimes one step forward and two steps back. Approaching a source of anxiety rather than avoiding it, and doing that consistently is one of the best ways of challenging the fear, and working out what helps you to do that and changing your context is helpful. A dilation diary is helpful here as making a note of those things will help to illuminate patterns; and as much as this process is about physically using the dilators it’s also about learning. Learning what works for you, and what doesn’t, what hinders you, when you might need a break, and when you are avoiding.
We know that with psychosomatic conditions like vaginismus how you are feeling can change how your body works, and sometimes the process of externalising your feelings by writing them down can help to process, and put to one side rather than turning them over and over in your head.