It was about five years ago when I finally decided to open up to my closest friends about vaginismus. Prior to that, and asides from my therapist, I hadn’t communicated about it to anyone, and I’d spent many years carrying it around like a massive weight on my shoulders. When socialising with friends and the topic of sex and relationships came up, I was always the one to excuse herself to go to the bathroom, or I’d quickly interrupt and offer to buy another round at the bar (in hindsight, my friends must’ve been a bit worried about my bowel and drinking habits!). This meant that, despite these wonderful friendships, I always felt like I was on the periphery of things, never completely bonded to my friends as they had no idea what I was struggling with. It wasn’t fun.
So, when I did start opening up to friends about vaginismus, boy, what a difference it made! Finally, I felt understood and just so much lighter - both physically and mentally. My friends, of course, were wonderful; so thankful that I had opened up, very sorry that I had been living it on my own and just keen to support in any way that they could. Finally, after so many years, I was able to bring my whole self to the table in my friendships, and I found that vaginismus would come up in conversation in the same way that another mate talked about their IBS, another their dating woes. It completely normalised it.
And that is why, when I first began dilating, I just knew that I had to tell my closest friends all about it. I was acutely aware that dilating would take patience and perseverance and I didn’t want to go through the experience alone. I wanted to have some friends in the know who I could celebrate the successes with and who I could have little ‘poor me’ (or insert swear word, which was probably more likely) moments with over a glass of wine before they picked me back up with words of encouragement.
Having friends know about dilating right from the start felt like such a positive step to take in contrast to how I hid vaginismus for so long, always feeling ashamed. I was in control. A close friend even came to Sh! with me to purchase my dilators and she immersed herself in the experience too, marveling at their vibrating bullets and how soft the dilators felt against her skin. Sharing the process with friends also held me to account as, whilst I knew that they would never put pressure on me, I also knew that my friends cared very much, meaning they would inevitably ask me how it was going when we caught up. I remember texting a friend the first time I comfortably inserted the smallest dilator and how she was just as ecstatic as I was. She knew how monumental a moment that was to me and it felt like we were in it together.
I love the community of brilliant people we’ve built through the Vaginismus Network, and it’s so wonderful to see connections being made and people sharing their experiences and tips on dilating – and vaginismus more broadly. And, whilst that support is second to none, as there’s nothing quite like connecting with someone who has lived/is living your experience, I strongly believe that you deserve to bring your whole self to all the important relationships in your life. So, if you feel confident enough please do consider sharing what you are going through with your friends as well. Of course, they won’t be able to fully relate, just in the same way that I can’t fully relate to friends of mine who are parents, for instance. But, by inviting them in, you will be taking another positive step in normalising the whole thing, ensuring that it doesn’t feel like a secret you’re dealing with alone behind closed doors.
Over to Kate…
For so many of us our friends and friendships are one of the strongest pillars of our support networks, and to not have them there for something like dealing with and working through vaginismus can feel really daunting. There are multiple pieces of research from the field of health psychology which document the influential impact that social support can have on health, and our sexual health should be no different. The taboo nature of sex which still surrounds the topic, which feels a bit mad considering we are in 2021, often means that we might feel more inclined to not talk about it, rather than to open up. And yes, not all of your friends may be able to have these conversations, or might not feel comfortable (not necessarily because of you but because of their own stuff ); but give those close to you and the ones that you think can, a chance to help and support you.
As a therapist I have worked with so many men and women who after building up confidence in therapy and in themselves, have opened up to a friend about a sexual struggle or dysfunction, only to be met with a 'me too', or 'I know someone with that', or 'I can't believe you haven't opened up before'. Culturally and socially we often struggle with sex, but on a smaller scale this doesn't mean we have to.
Friends can offer us encouragement, empathy, support, kindness and advice - whether or not they have vaginismus they can relate other experiences to it. Don't expect them to understand exactly, but give them a chance to learn - direct them to a page like the Vaginismus Network, show them a photo of your dilators or send them a link to a podcast so that they can get a better idea of it. These are the people that love you, and they will want to help you as a result. We aren't taught how to talk about sex, so opening up the conversation with friends might feel quite intimidating, but once it's open it then gives you a chance to talk to them, and them a chance to check back in with you. This is the same principle for many aspects of our lives - others can't see what is hidden or not visible to them, they have to be shown or invited in.
Having a sexual difficulty is isolating enough in itself, and many people feel that it adds a barrier between them and some of their closer relationships, but this is something that you have the power to change. You don't have to jump straight in either, you can open up the conversation with a friend with something like: 'Can I talk to you about something I'm struggling with?', 'I'm having some challenges in my sex life', 'Things haven't been going the way I want them to sexually' or 'Have you ever heard the term vaginismus?'
Many people who struggle with sex describe similar situations to Lisa, that when the topic of conversation comes up they change topic, remove themselves from the conversation, or just nod along and try not to engage; but for many this feels like it's creating a distance between them and their friends which is the opposite of what they want. It also provides challenges for explaining why you aren't ready, or don't want to date or be set up with someone at the moment. Trying to explain to a friend who just assumes everything is sexually functioning in the usual way, why you don't want to be set up with 'lovely Ben from work', is really difficult when you can't voice where you are at.
Remember if you decide to open up to a friend, or friends, then you don't have to go full throttle and tell them everything at once. You can explain at your pace, tell them how you are feeling, or that perhaps you were nervous about opening up to them, and offer resources like podcasts or the network page so that they can learn more too. You don't have to have vaginismus to understand it – yes, they may not be able to directly or exactly relate in the way that two vaginismus sufferers may, but they care; and caring can transcend the content of what you are talking about. We all have our 'stuff' and it might also give them a chance to be open with you about theirs, which if anything can strengthen a relationship.