When my husband and I started having penetrative sex, I found it really helpful to insert a dilator first, almost to 'warm up' my vagina and remind it that penetration was OK. Sometimes I would do this on my own, then shout him through to the bedroom (very sexy...) but this was only possible for 'planned sex'. When sex was spontaneous, I still liked to insert a dilator and then have lots of outercourse. Then, once we were at the point of penetration, we would remove the dilator and replace with my husband's penis.
I was very aware that this wasn't a long-term solution, as I didn't want to start making the association that penis-in-vagina was only possible if I had first inserted a dilator. However, it worked really well for us at the time, and we just worked our way to a point where we could have penetrative sex without first inserting the dilator.
I have never found dilators sexy, so we have never used them as part of our sex life (not even the vibrating ones!). However, we are big fans of non-penetrative fun with sex toys to help relax and get in the mood.
Consider incorporating dilators into your sex life as you may find that, like me, it’s a helpful stepping stone to penis-in-vagina sex. Using them beforehand enabled me to relax and made me feel more confident in attempting intercourse with my husband. I’ve also spoken to people who use their dilators with their partner without sex even being on the table – just as part of the dilating process. Dilating can sometimes feel a bit taboo, and like something you’ve got to go through on your own, so inviting your partner to use them with you – and on you - is a great way to feel connected to them.
It is, however, so important to remember that we are all different, and what works for one person, may not work for another. Experiment, try things but keep the emphasis on fun and relaxation. If it starts to feel sore, stressful or upsetting, just stop and do something else that actually feels good for you. As we always say, sex is so much more than penis-in-vagina and that shouldn’t always be the end goal.
Over to Kate…
Dilators are absolutely something that can be included in your partnered sex life, but it also requires some communication so that you both feel comfortable and confident in what you are doing. The Sh! Dilators with the optional vibrator are the perfect way to add in pleasurable sensations, and a playful element to non-penetrative play too; and essentially offer the same as a standard vibrator when used in this way.
Using dilators before partnered sex, whether on your own before inviting your partner to join you, for many women offers the reassurance that penetration is possible before attempting it with a partner, but also shows you that the muscles are relaxed and able to accommodate. Many women build up anxiety if they haven’t dilated for a while, and fear that they will have gone back a step, or will no longer be able to use the size of dilator that they used to; and incorporating dilators into your sexual routine means that gap is about as small as possible if you are using them immediately before.
Handing control over to a partner too, feels like a major milestone. By nature of partnered sex being, well, partnered, then there is someone else involved. We aren’t able to be 100% in control of the situation, and for someone with a condition like vaginismus this can completely compound anxious or negative thoughts that are already there. So, in a way, dilators with a partner can be used not just as a physical warm up, but as a learning of sharing control with someone else. Your partner will also likely be nervous, so show them the dilators before (I would recommend outside of a sexual situation) let them ask questions, see how they work and feel, and as you would have done when on your own, try the smallest size first and then build up. Your partner will likely be worried about hurting you, or getting in the way of your progress so you can always guide the dilator and put their hand on top of yours so that they can feel the speed and pressure that you are using. And as always make sure there is lots of lube handy, don’t be afraid to use more. The first few times you might want to just ask your partner to hold the dilator against the entrance to your vagina and get used to someone else holding it there rather than you, and then you can take it step by step from there; but remember to be clear, and communicate well with your partner as at the start this will be unknown territory for both of you, and only you can know exactly what’s going on in your own body and mind. They won’t know unless you tell them. Also, using dilators with a partner can be another way to make the process pleasurable and fun!