I’ve always used lubricant when dilating; how could’ve I gone against the wise advice of both my therapist and the wonderful team at Sh!, who I bought my first dilator kit from? And, of course, they were absolutely right: lube should be an essential part of your dilating toolkit – actually, in my opinion, it is the most important part.
I do, however, recall feeling genuine embarrassment and anger at my body for the fact that I had to use lube in the first place. It made me feel like, somehow, I wasn’t a ‘proper’ woman for needing this extra bit of help. Back then, I viewed lube as something that women used to make up for the fact that they’d lost their natural lubrication or couldn’t feel aroused. I wasn’t aware that lube was used for all kinds of other reasons – and some very sexy, fun ones at that - and I think that’s important to remember, as it certainly helped me to make the psychological shift and, in turn, feel more comfortable and confident in using lube. Dilating can be a difficult enough thing to start doing in the first place; you wouldn’t not oil your car if it needed it, so why make things harder for yourself? Lube can also play an important part when you start to introduce pleasure and fun into dilating – for instance, it’s great to use for slickly stroking the labia and clitoris whilst you dilate (but more on that later in the series…).
Once I’d reframed things in my mind, I then pondered how to actually, physically deal with the lube. Prior to ever needing to use it, in my mind lube was just a sticky mess: images of women messing up the bedsheets and getting it in their hair and all over their hands. This of course is absolutely fine: messy can be very sexy, but when I first started dilating, I wasn’t game for that. I very much wanted it to be as clean and tidy as possible, thank you very much (I guess I wasn’t in a ‘fun’ kind of headspace at the time). So, for anyone currently feeling how I did back then, fear not, here’s a trick from someone who has dilated a LOT: if you don’t want to make a mess of things with your lube, or even get it on your hands at all, simply squirt some onto a sheet of paper/magazine/chopping board(?!)/flat surface of choice and then turn the length of the dilator around in it until it’s completely covered. You can of course also just drizzle lube directly onto the dilator, but I found that this particular technique meant that it was completely coated which made for much easier insertion.
Again, on the advice of my therapist and Sh! I opted for a water-based lube. Because I’ve never used any other type of lube, I have no comparison to offer. What I can say, however, is that if you are able to, it is definitely worth investing in a lovely, natural water-based lube like one from Yes Organics (my go-to lube brand). They are all natural, non-sticky, won’t stain the sheets and are easier to wash-off when done. They also feel really nice: I can vouch for that having progressed from not wanting to get it on my hands, thank you very much, to doing just that – and more (my water-based lube feels nice when used on other parts of my body, too).
My experience of dilating has meant that I’ve gone from hating the idea of lube to actually really loving it. In fact, because it can help with so many things beyond dilating alone, lube should be considered a standard part of your sexual toolkit – and certainly a mandatory topic in sex education. As my wise friend Fran Bushe once said: ‘How wet someone gets really isn’t a parallel of how aroused they are.’
Over to Kate…
Lube is necessary for dilating. Not an additional; a fundamental. When you are dilating it’s important that you make life as easy for yourself as possible. You may be feeling anxious enough about using dilators without having to add in more barriers. The risk of not using lube is that if you aren’t lubricated enough, that dilating can cause friction and cause soreness; and what this adds to is your feelings, experience and perception of penetration being painful which be negatively reinforcing.
Many of the women I work with in therapy for vaginismus describe that dilating can feel like a chore, the most common word we use when talking about them is ‘exercises’ and so many women won’t be feeling really turned on when they start out using them, particularly if it’s early in their vaginismus journey. So if you aren’t feeling that aroused, then you may not be that lubricated naturally, and there is nothing wrong with that just consider that using lubricant is like giving yourself a helping hand. Every body is also different, and so how much you naturally lubricate will vary, don’t give yourself a hard time if you feel that you aren’t ‘wet enough’ because that will just cause you stress and anxiety which will get in the way of you feeling turned on. In terms of the amount, don’t worry about using too much, particularly if you are just getting started. Put some on yourself, particularly around the entrance to your vagina, and also use it on the dilator which should help to create a slide sensation. Also use lube for fun. It’s fantastic for clitoral stimulation too, which is how most women achieve orgasm, rather than through penetration.
I also recommend the Yes Organics range. They are completely natural and organic, and if you are starting out using dilators then I wouldn’t recommend using anything scented or flavoured as you don’t want to risk causing yourself any irritation or discomfort. There is plenty of opportunity to mix it up further down the line when you are feeling more confident. Keep it in your bedside drawer so that’s it’s easily accessible – you don’t want to be getting in the mood for dilating and then breaking your headspace by scrabbling around looking for it. They also make convenient smaller travel bottles so that you can take it with you if you are going away.
And finally, remember that lube is fairly absent from the representations of sex that we see in the media and online, and so although we may feel like we are the only ones using it, we aren’t. Lube sales would suggest otherwise.